


Contradiction

by panickedgaay



Category: Kpop - Fandom, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Smut not a lot but there’s bits here and there, sorry not sorry lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26036824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panickedgaay/pseuds/panickedgaay
Summary: Seungkwan is Hansol’s best friend. The one who is there for every break up with drinks and snacks, listening to Hansol mope about his heartbreak. As we grow up so do our friendships and our relationships, but do we ever mature or just get older?
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Boo Seungkwan/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Chwe Hansol/Original Female Character
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Contradiction

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i always feel nervous posting fics for seventeen since they’re my ult group and i have so many fic authors i look up to in the fandom. here’s some angsty verkwan, hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> title is from contradiction by ksuke!  
> this is unbetad, so all mistake are mine!

Seungkwan's mom had always worked nights. When he was younger, much too young to stay by himself, she would take him with her, letting him to sleep in an empty bed in her hospital wing. It wasn't until he was thirteen that she finally allowed him to stay home by himself, and it wasn't until he was fifteen that he was allowed to have a friend spend the night.

It was good that Seungkwan was now seventeen, because it was nearly midnight and he had a sobbing Hansol crumpled on his bedroom floor.

Well, perhaps sobbing wasn't quite the right word for it. Moping and complaining about his ‘miserable existence’; he was clearly being overly dramatic but Seungkwan was trying to be sympathetic.

“She told me she loved me, Seungkwan,” Hansol whined for the seventeenth time. “Why would she tell me that if she didn't mean it?”

“I don't know, dude.” Seungkwan replied for the seventeenth time himself, prying the whiskey bottle from Hansol's fingers and taking a swig. It was nearly empty, but Seungkwan didn't want to leave Hansol to get more. His best friend was trashed and Seungkwan had no desire to clean vomit from his carpet.

He hadn’t been that bad when he showed up at Seungkwan's house just as he was getting ready for bed. The glossy gleam in his eyes had been one part Johnny Walker stolen from his father's study and three parts broken heart.

“Jess broke up with me,” he croaked out, in lieu of a greeting.

Seungkwan had never liked Hansol's girlfriend, but he knew Hansol was head over heels for her, so that had been enough for Seungkwan. Despite the couple being together for almost seven months, Seungkwan never got to know the girl so he didn’t really know what else to do to help his friend other than help him drown his sorrows in alcohol. As the saying goes, ‘misery loves company’ so Seungkwan stole a bottle of cheap whiskey from the stash his mom kept hidden in the basement for her book club and joined his friend. Like most of his life decisions, this was a poor one.

Hansol pouted and stole the bottle back, downing the rest of the amber liquid. “Is there something wrong with me, Seungkwan? Am I not good enough for her?!” 

“Don't be stupid, Hansol.” Seungkwan shook his head emphatically, ignoring the way the movement left him slightly dizzy. “You're great. More than great, amazing! The girls in our class voted you ‘best visuals’ last year and flooded your desk for the holidays with candy. Jess is insane to dump you.”

Hansol paused in his inspection of the empty bottle for magical reserves of liquor at the bottom. Instead he looked up at Seungkwan, an odd hint of… something in his eyes. “You think so?” he asked softly.

“Fuck yeah!” Seungkwan assured him. If he'd been more sober he would have been embarrassed by how enthusiastic his reply sounded but he was almost as drunk as Hansol. Seungkwan would’ve also reminded himself that his decade long crush on his completely straight best friend was supposed to be a secret. But Seungkwan was half a bottle of cheap whiskey from that point and he had always been a lightweight. “If I were-”

His foolish mouth never got to finish screwing him over because it was stopped up by the warm press of Hansol's lips. The kiss was fleeting, over before Seungkwan’s boozed up brain could even register it happening. Then Hansol rocked back on his haunches, ducking his head as a dark flush covered his face. “Sorry, I didn't mean-”

Seungkwan launched himself across the room, nearly tackling Hansol to the ground. His best friend’s lips tasted like whiskey and salt, and beyond that Seungkwan thought he could taste the remnants of the pizza that of course Hansol thought was a perfectly romantic meal. The kiss was clumsy, too wet and their noses kept bumping into one another, but to Seungkwan it was perfect. Hansol placed his hands on Seungkwan's waist, pulling him a bit closer to deepen the kiss. 

Hansol pulled back again, and for a brief moment Seungkwan panicked. He'd taken advantage. They were both drunk, far too drunk to be doing this. He shouldn't have started this, should have laughed it off and put Hansol to bed. But Hansol wasn't pausing to yell at him, or run away. Instead he fumbled with the button of Seungkwan's jeans, fingers clumsy from the alcohol as he leaned forward to kiss and lick at Seungkwan’s neck, earning a moan from him.

Seungkwan died for a brief second, then moved to help him, dying once more when Hansol wrapped a hand around his cock. “Fuck,” he groaned, drawing Hansol back in for another kiss. “Fuck, Hansol.”

He managed to free Hansol from the confines of his underwear and then it was just a few minutes of drunken moans and sloppy kisses before they both came. They flopped onto the floor, panting. Seungkwan's head was spinning from more than the alcohol.

Hansol rolled his head onto Seungkwan's shoulder with a soft chuckle. “Thanks, Boo,” he slurred. “I needed that.”

Well fuck.

That's how it always went after that. Hansol would date some girl, usually one Seungkwan knew wasn't any good for him, they'd break up, he and Seungkwan would get pissed drunk, then jack each other off.

One time, after Jihye, it had been particularly bad. Jihye had been Hansol's father's “suggestion,” since she was the daughter of a coworker and they’d set them up on a blind date. Jihye was the first girl Seungkwan liked and he actually they might work out after all. Jihye was smart and sweet; she also had the ability to get them the best weed then smoke them under the table. Which was probably why Hansol had been even more devastated than usual when she broke it off.

Seungkwan should have known nothing good was going to come of this night when Hansol came back to their room in the halls already drunk as a skunk. “Jihye” was all he had to say for Seungkwan to know what had happened. Hoping to spare himself the liver damage, he was trying to avoid the drinking portion of the evening and get Hansol to bed without incident. He managed Hansol to sit him down on the edge of the mattress as he whined the same questions, as always.

His mistake, he later realised, came when he helped Hansol remove his shirt, because he knew Hansol liked it and he’d be sad if vomit got on it. “Wait here, I'll get you some water.”

Hansol did not wait two seconds, or even one, before he wrapped an arm around Seungkwan's waist and pulled him in for a kiss.

Seungkwan blamed it on habit because instead of pulling away he allowed himself to be tugged into Hansol's lap, straddling his strong thighs. He could taste the alcohol on Hansol's breath, bitter and strong. Part of him wished that he'd had some as well like he usually would have by this point, but with Hansol's hands sliding down and squeezing his ass he supposed he'd settle for the contact buzz he got from Hansol's mouth on his lips and skin.

Eventually Hansol flipped him over so Seungkwan was lying on Hansol's twin bed, blanketing his body over him. When he reached for Hansol's zipper, the other swatted his hands away making Seungkwan pause beneath him. That was what Hansol always wanted, wasn't it? Unless- Seungkwan usually wasn't sober enough to care that this probably wasn't a good idea. He always realised after the fact, that neither of them were fully in their right minds when he was “comforting” Hansol. It hadn't stopped him, because Hansol always made it clear after that he didn't regret what they'd been doing. But it was different now, wasn't it? Hansol was clearly not aware of what he was doing and who he was doing it with and as the stone cold sober one, it was Seungkwan's responsibility to take that sign and not push this further.

Then Hansol surprised him by pushing down Seungkwan's sweatpants and moving down Seungkwan's body to press kisses on his stomach, his thighs, the crease between his legs and his crotch electing an obscene moan from his lips. Seungkwan's mind went blank as he realised Hansol had no intention of stopping things between them, but rather deepen them? After that he had no thoughts at all, as it was hard to think when your lifelong crush had his full lips on your cock and his fingers were caressing your skin.

He had no idea where Hansol had picked up this skill, or if there was just some kind of special cock-sucking tutorial on reddit but Seungkwan was in heaven. Seungkwan moaned again, louder than he probably should’ve considering he knew very well how thin the dormitory walls were, but the sound seemed to spur Hansol on as he sucked and licked and used his fingers to play with Seungkwan's sack. Seungkwan did his best not to buck into Hansol's mouth when his free hand found his hole, but he couldn't help it when a finger brushed his prostate. “Fuck, Hansolie” He groaned, tugging Hansol's hair in warning, but Hansol just swallowed him down, not pulling off until Seungkwan was completely limp under him.

He rose back up the bed to wrap himself around Seungkwan. Seungkwan could feel the damp spot where Hansol had come in his jeans.

He swallowed hard, and as Hansol drifted off into a deep slumber, he spent the night practicing his very best “Of course it didn't mean anything, I’ve already forgotten it happened” reassuring smile.

❀

Later there might be a part of Hansol that knew his whole life had gone completely out of control, but at that moment he was buried balls deep in his best friend, fucking out every bit of grief and guilt and loneliness, and he was unable to care.

Wonwoo had been pouring vodka shots down their throats all night, which Hansol could admit may have contributed to Sunmi tossing her cocktail in his face at some point before he turned to seek out Seungkwan. Seungkwan was dancing with some guy Hansol didn't know, but came easily enough when Hansol asked to leave.

That tiny little part of him wondered if it might have been that, the sight of Seungkwan grinding up against another man, that made him far more bold than he usually was, pinning him to the bed and attacking Seungkwan's mouth with far more possessive than he typically showed.

“You're all I'll ever have, Seungkwan,” he panted into Seungkwan's ear as his friend babbled his pleasure incoherently. “You're the only one who'll never leave me. Please, never leave me.”

“Never,” Seungkwan promised, the word transforming at the end into a scream as he finished, Hansol not far behind him.

But when Hansol met Yuri, he thought it was all over.

Yuri was everything perfect, and after they hit the one year mark (longer than any of Hansol’s relationships had ever lasted before) he was convinced that she was it for him. Hansol moved out of the flat he shared with Seungkwan and in with her. Six months later he was observing her closely any time they went out to the shops and subtly gathering hints from Sophia about her tastes in jewelry.

Around the time Hansol moved out, Seungkwan introduced his boyfriend to the group. Hansol hadn't even known Seungkwan had a boyfriend until then. Soonyoung was nice enough, but Hansol couldn't help but get irritated any time the other man was near him. The feeling seemed to be mutual. For his part Seungkwan was apparently oblivious to any tension, and Hansol tried to keep it that way. Mostly.

Then came the day Yuri told him she was leaving. It had nothing to do with Handol, she promised, but her ex had come back, and Yuri had never stopped loving him. It wasn't fair to either of them to drag him along knowing she would always love someone else. She thought he would understand, after all. Hansol never understood what exactly she meant by that, to be honest. 

Hansol went straight to Wonwoo’s, knowing he was always good for a spare bed and a lots and lots of booze. Wonwoo did not disappoint, but somehow it didn't do much against the gnawing pit in Hansol’s stomach. Enough to make his head buzz, but nowhere near the mind-altering numbness he needed.

Around midnight, he slipped out of the guest room, knowing there was only one way to fix the ache in his chest.

“Don’t.”

Hansol froze with his hand on the doorknob. Turning, he found Seungcheol, Wonwoo’s boyfriend, sitting on the couch, illuminated by the harsh glow of the brightness of his phone.

“Fuck, Cheol, you nearly gave me a heart attack. What are you doing out here anyway?”

“I didn't want to miss you.”

Hansol flushed, glad the shadows hid it from view. “I didn't mean it to look like I was sneaking out on you. I was just-”

“I know what you were doing,” Seungcheol cut him off, voice steady. “I'm telling you not to do it. He doesn't deserve this.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Hansol fought to keep his tone even.

“Don't, Hansol,” he repeated. “He’s in a good place right now. Don't make him do this.”

“He's an adult,” Hansol snapped, not bothering to pretend anymore. “He can make his own damn choices.”

“Yes he can, and you and I both know he'll make the wrong one. He won't mean to, and you might not even ask him to, but he'll do it, and he'll do it for you. Everything Seungkwan does is always for you. Why can't you just do this one thing for him, and let him go?”

**_Because I need him._ ** Hansom thought of the happiness on Seungkwan’s face whenever he looked at Soonyoung and his heart ached a little. Hansol needed Seungkwan. But Seungkwan didn't need him. Maybe he never had.

Hansol sat heavily on the couch next to Seungcheol. Seungcheol wrapped an arm around his shoulders, in a weird one arm hug. “It's the right thing, Hansolie. You can get through this one without him.”

Hansol wasn't so sure about that, but he didn't argue.

❀

It wasn't until nearly a week later that Seungkwan found out Yuri was gone. He raced over to Hansol’s, hurrying in with a hug the second Hansol opened the door.

“Sophia told me. I'm so sorry, Hansol. Are you okay? I brought whiskey and dried pollock, I know that's your favourite.”

Hansol stepped back, a pained look on his face. Seungkwan paused, confused. Usually Hansol would be all over him by this point. Scratch that, usually Hansol would have been all over him a week ago.

“You shouldn't be here. You're with Soonyoung.”

Yes, Seungkwan knew that yet he couldn’t bring himself to walk away. “But you need me. I promised you, Hansol, I won't leave you.”

Hansol winced, and took another step back. “Cheol was right. This is all my fault.”

“Cheol, what? What are you talking about? What is your fault?”

“You're with Soonyoung,” Hansol repeated, looking pained. “Fuck, Seungkwan. Did you even think before coming over here? Or did you just hear I was single and come running?”

Of course Seungkwan had thought about it. He always thought about it. Every time, before and after and in between. And he knew it was a betrayal to Soonyoung to even be considering this, but Hansol was his best friend, his... He would do anything for him.

“You need to leave, Seungkwan. And then I need to. Fuck, this is just… how did we get this fucked up?”

Hansol’s anguish was quickly morphing into a kind of panic, and Seungkwan stepped forward again, hoping to comfort him. Yet Hansol grabbed him by the arms, holding him back.

“I can't, Seungkwan. Or I can, and that's the problem. I wouldn't even hesitate to fuck you over the sofa right now, and you would let me, and fuck the consequences.”

And Seungkwan would. It should terrify him, but he'd been in love with Hansol for so long that it was like he'd always known it would come to this, taking what he could get no matter what he had to sacrifice.

Hansol leaned in and finally kissed him, soft and sweet and nothing like it normally was between them. Seungkwan melted, but when he went to deepen it and pull Hansol closer, Hansol backed away again, an air of finality about him.

“You need to go back to Soonyoung, Seungkwan. You deserve more than me.”

Hansol closed the door on him without another word. He couldn’t bear to look at Seungkwan’s confused and devastated face for one more moment without breaking. His phone felt heavy in his hand as he pulled it out and pressed the call button.

“Hey, Mom? Is that offer to manage the gallery in New York still available?"

“ _I’d have to double check but last I heard they still need someone. Everything okay? Soph told me about Yuri. I’m sorry, I know you really liked her_ ”

“Everything’s fine, I just need a change of scenery, ya know…” Hansol replied, trying to hold back his tears as Seungkwan knocked on the door, asking him to come back.

“ _I need to verify with Sylvia but you should be able to start in a few weeks._ ”

“Got it, let me know. The sooner the better. Talk to you later.” Hansol disconnected the call and walked away from the now silent doorway with a heavy heart.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments or kudos are appreciated!  
> if you have any ships or prompts you’d like to see tell me about it on the comments!  
> follow me on twt: @acewonwoo


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